What a journey life is! Continually i am amazed by the things that unfold. Let me tell you about my mood shift yesterday. For the past week or two i have been struggling with random thoughts of drinking. Nothing too intense, but nothing to be ignored. With the addition of school to my life, i have been neglecting my recovery life a bit, doing just the bare minimum. For me, that is not enough. Anyway, after my blog post yesterday, we had an excellent lunch with family. Baby snuggles and laughs and good times. But somewhere following our meal, something snapped in my head. I started arguing with myself as to whether or not my drinking could or could not truly be changed. I think the combination of lack of my program mixed with leftover menstrual hormones really made a horrible "cocktail," if you will! My mind kept racing to my eating disorders... "If i was able to change that, why can't i change how i drink?!" Something in my mind was focusing on the taste of booze and leaving out all the wretched things i did to my body, mind, soul, and others. Thankfully, God has given me my perfect balancer in life, my husband. Because the truth is, i couldn't even bring myself to call my sponsor or my We. I didn't want them to talk me out of my sick thoughts. But God has given me the one person i never want to withhold myself from. To keep me alive. And i blurted out my anxieties to harry. Although he doesn't work a recovery program, he GETS it. He said things my We would have said. And because i only had the guts to talk to him, i needed the staunch truth. I am alcoholic; i have technically NEVER drank like a "normal" person. When i began drinking around 13, i may not have drank in excess, but i ALWAYS drank to run from myself. Always. That is all i have ever known, even before i was mentally aware of it. To think i can escape or change that is my disease trying to overcome me. Alcoholism is a sin that i don't want to fall to. I can take all of that in today without crumbling under it- yes, i have this disease; no, my life isn't over. Do i consider being a drunk a sin? Yes, but in and of that, i am blessed beyond words. Because when i put my alcoholism beside me, when i am able to be bigger and stronger than it, i am overcoming sin! What a feat that is!!!
Are you able to see the beauty in the painful things in your life today? That overcoming them with God and your loved ones brings a sense of joy that only the broken can know?
I'm rejoicing A LOT today. :)