While working on the 6th step with my sponsee yesterday, i realized that i, myself, had been taking the wheel of my life far too often. ESPECIALLY recently. What i was reminded of was this: I am doing a disservice to God when I act like I'm in charge. I say "help!" But i still find it hard to say to God, "thanks Father, it's a good day; show me the way... Show me YOUR way!" When I found the strength and willingness to search and discover my human character defects, I made a commitment to God to let Him take them from me. Not all at once, not in the magical flash of a second, but in time. I agreed to be open with Him and allow Him to free me. When I try to take the reigns, whether on the best day of my life or the very worst, I am not letting my Creator in!! The only perfect thing in this world is God. The only way for me to even come close to living a perfect life is to live in a Godly way; "Thy will be done, not mine."
I am preparing my soul for the reinitiating of Christ. My time away from the church was bumpy, dark, and miserable. Coming back has been gradual, but so life giving. I am constantly growing closer to my faith because my spirituality is already so strong; it's the foundation. Today I had to choose to put God's will before my own... I had to defeat fear that has been lingering in me. You see, for so long I was afraid to admit I was Christian again.. Afraid that I would be judged by people. The reality is that I was judging myself. Perhaps for straying from the church, perhaps for years of speaking poorly of people who stood strong in their faith, more than likely all of the above. I have been consumed with the guilt of turning my back on Jesus. I have been trying to fit some sort of spiritual, faithful mold and when the stark clarity cane that I don't have to do that came, it hit me hard. The truth is I have been feeling great in church and the fear of saying, yes, Christianity feels right to me, was pushing me away from it. I'm giving that defect to God today. Here ya go, Father, take this guilt and shame. TAKE IT! But this time I mean it. I wore my cross to work today. SERIOUSLY PEOPLE, i thought about doing it all week and had anxiety about it. So silly. I can't say I'm in if I'm not, not anymore. My life has to be about positive action, or I will fall right back into my old ways. So, simple as that, I said yes to God today and wore a necklace. But the feeling of relief I have... You would've thought I just won a superstar marathon. The little things :)
Grateful to have the chance this evening to spend some time with my grandma in grateful praise. And I love that our church does fun things like a jazz service. How cool to find different ways to be thankful! And I love jazz!! Win, win.... Thanks, God, Your way is continually better than my own!