Friday, September 26, 2014

Busy Beezy!

What a busy whirlwind life has been lately!! School is getting more in depth, family events all the time... I'm exhausted!
Our weekend away at the Summit Inn Resort was ahhhh-mazing. Nothing like quality alone time in a beautiful setting with old architecture and my man. Plus we dis better at the Gladiator Rock N Run 5k than last year, which makes me a happy girl. (Especially since my workout game has been off... Wayyyy off.)
Harry LOVED his anniversary gift, YAY! Nothing could be better than his reaction <3
This week has been crammed with hunting and visiting with Dad before he heads back to Alaska. Thankfully Harry got our first doe last night!! I love this time of year; knowing we have meat for awhile makes me not even want to touch te other garbage factory meat that everyone buys/ uses. I know we have something real, fresh, right in our home, literally from our backyard. God, and my husband (!), provide!!!!!
We have a surprise family bday dinner to attend tonight. And then finally some relax time tomorrow night after work. I'm ready for some lazy couch time!!! But by lazy i mean, after work nothing but relaxing at home haha. My ass is getting back into gear; about to start my first workout in a long time... As in almost 3 weeks!!! Yikes. I also have a lot of planning and crafting to do for our Halloween party/ cookout next month. I just need some quality home time right now, not laziness!!
Hope you all have a great weekend! Xox

Friday, September 19, 2014

Quick catch-up!

Long time no blog! Life has been busy and full of changes! College is going well; i have A's in 2 out of my 3 classes (we haven't had graded assignments in the 3rd yet). I just joined the team for the newspaper at school as well. Although I have to tell you, i can't remember the damn name of the paper ever. I should work on that ;p i'm pretty sure i'll be covering my first event next thursday!! So excited. Work is the usual, good and every week flies by. I'm taking a half day today; we're leaving for the secret weekend getaway i planned for our 1 year anniversary!!! And we have the Gladiator 5k Rock-N-Run tomorrow on our actual anniversary! (Side note: i will write more about this weekend after it occurs; can't have my #1 reader- hubby- getting any clues!!!) My dad is also visiting from Alaska for 2 weeks. Hopefully our dang schedules coordinate soon so we can get together. The plan is to show him our house next wednesday; i'm excited for him to see it, and to see my hunting gear! Archery season opens tomorrow, so we're getting all our gear in order! Harry took off work on monday so we can go out together between my classes :)
Another big change has occurred recently...
Now before I get into that, let me just say this universal truth: the only constant in life is change.
Harry and i attended our friends' wedding a week ago. It will beautiful, and they are such lovely people. The ceremony was short & sweet, and the reception began within an hour of us being there. We got to talking, as we watched everyone around us. Should we have a drink? Should we not? We had both been struggling with the idea lately of if it was possible to drink like a normal, responsible pair of adults. So we talked it out for awhile. We didn't jump right into it. One of the greatest things i gained in my 1.5 year of sobriety is the desire to be honest and try my best to communicate. Harry is my partner forever; we swore to God to always care for each other, and i married him because i truly believe we'll never be apart again. So to have this openness and communication, i couldn't be more grateful. I used to bury my feelings and thoughts but i progressively learn how to share them and seek to ALWAYS be honest-- ESPECIALLY with myself. Well, we did it. We had a few small cups of beer. We left my car parked at the venue to be safe ALTHOUGH we did not get drunk. Buzzed perhaps, but that would be expected after not drinking for so long. And that was it. No excessive bat hopping after, no partying till late hours, no hot mess express, secret shots, or anything like the past. We have had a few beers since that as well. I haven't had more than 2 or 3, and I take my time with them instead of guzzling them down. I have no plans of returning to the dim, sad bars we used to frequent. I DONT WANT TO DRINK TO GET DRUNK. That obsession truly was lifted from me by God. The Bible points out very distinctly that God does not desire for His children to be drunkards. And i want to honor my Father. I still want to be a vessel of love & light. I have left my program of recovery, but the women i got close with are STILL my best friends. I value their spirituality, their constant desire to be honest, the way they loved the REAL me and not the depressed, party version of me. They helped me open myself up and dig out all the wreckage. They will always be my sisters.
The change in my mind came because of just that: change. I could see that my perception of alcohol had changed. As was with my eating disorders, there was a LBM (light bulb moment). In the beginning of my journey to live, my LBM was that i could not take any alcohol in; it was burying me, and fast. I needed to be sober to clear my heart and head of things from the past, to grow into a woman, to be fully present for my wedding. But recently i had another LBM; that like my eating disorder, my perception of this thing changed; i don't want to drink to get drunk. I don't want to run from my beautiful life, i love myself (the most signifcant difference). So this new path has begun. So far, i think i am making clear choices. And if i'm mistaken, i know who to call, i know where to go. The rooms will ALWAYS be there for me if i need them. I'm just praying every day; God, YOUR will, not mine. I'm trusting His journey. I'm living a life through Him.

Well, i have to finish packing for the weekend. You loved have a beautiful day; enjoy this perfect fall weather! Enjoy yourselves. Enjoy God. Give thanks & love <3

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Trying to nab an A+ in life

Anything dealing with an English class, whether reading, writing, or creating discussion topics, I have ALWAYS excelled at. The women in my fanily are known to be proficient readers, and while I haven't been good at finishing the books I pick up lately, I do think my younger bookworm days assisted in this greatly. So today when I received my first writing assignment back graded, my heart did cartwheels. My professor made certain to write the grade on the second page, after all my typed out thoughts. 30/30; 100%. Along with a magnificent little note, which I shall not share verbatim so as not to boast. It was amazing though. Knowing that my abilities in reading and writing come naturally, I was drawn to the thought of becoming a writer for a great period of time. I often still fantasize about it and think of how perhaps it could be a profitable hobby or at the least, a hobby that joyfully occupies extra brain activity. For the most part, though, I value the idea of getting an education for and finding a sustainable career. Hence, applying to the Medical Laboratory Technician program. I think I could write on the side; just this blog for fun, an article here and there for an online submission, or (most recently discovered) working for the school newspaper. Above all, though, I must remember that I am going to have classes that DO NOT come naturally to me, which will require that extra time I am so diligently already giving away to writing. I don't want to get an A+ in one class and have the rest suffer because I'm flitting around all over the place. I'm trying to view my three courses as a whole unit right now; each one being a subdivision of that larger part. I don't want to fail, I want to succeed, and it takes more than one class to do that. At this moment, thankfully, I am doing well, if not better, in my classes. My nine year education hiatus did not stop my desire to be successful, to be the best, to make something of myself, and I think one of my biggest driving factors in school has always been: prove to myself I have what it takes. I'm reminding myself that I am human, though, so humility can keep me balanced.
What are you trying to succeed at? Is it part of a greater picture-- are you selling yourself short by only focusing on a small chunk of a bigger picture? Be the best you that you can be on a daily basis! Never stop surprising yourself!!!

Monday, September 8, 2014

Family time gone right.

First day of the week- woohooo!!! I LOVE Mondays. I'm sick, i know. ;p
I'm sitting in the cafeteria at school, reflecting on the beautiful day I shared with loved ones. Yep, coffee is in hand! (Bio lab on Monday mornings is the best class to start the week with; if we happen to finish the lab early, we are done with class. So i was out of bio by 9:30 today instead of 10:40- WIN!) Every year, there is a Carpenter picnic at Kennywood Park. It tends to fall on a Saturday so my work schedule has kept us from going, however, Harry is able to pick up 3 free tickets, as well as discounted tickets and free meal tickets. Schwing! The expiration date on our free tickets was winding down, so we went with my cousin Dawn Marie yesterday. What a freaking blast! Dawn and I have always connected; we genetically favor similar family traits, have sinilar attitudes & personalities, and are close in age. But another aspect of our closeness is that we have the same family ideals. When we were younger, our family was significantly closer; holidays, picnics, birthdays- everything was done together. But as we started to lose some of our beloved elders that instilled these traditions and values, our families started to separate. The biggest problem i see now is that each sub group (family member + spouse or significant other + children), has become so consumed by their own personal issues, most self created, that they tend to forget about the entirety of their family line. Thankfully Dawn Marie and i don't enjoy this at all and are trying our best to get people together more, or at the very least, with each other. And amidst all the family frustrations and sadness and separation, that is a big beam of light!!! Because despite certain events and times, i LOVED my childhood. Or to be specific, the time i spent with my family. Genuinely, deeply,  i love my family memories. And because we can't change the past, nothing will ever change that joy. What i CAN change, what i NEED to change, is my part in keeping my family together. Can i miraculously keep everyone tightly knit at all times and single handedly bind broken ties? Nah. Not a chance. But i can make a positive effort, no matter how big or small, when the chance arises. The Ninnesses, the Hoerrs, the Morgans, and the Hergenreders may never beat as one heart, but i can do my best to show them the love that is possible in a family; to inspire them to love more.
The more we continue on our journey of trying to conceive, the more i focus on family. I want to get some magic happening before baby hergy steps into this world!
What is one positive thing you can do for a family member today, or your family as a whole, to show them the love that is possible in our lives?

Saturday, September 6, 2014

Embracing everything today!!!

While working on the 6th step with my sponsee yesterday, i realized that i, myself, had been taking the wheel of my life far too often. ESPECIALLY recently. What i was reminded of was this: I am doing a disservice to God when I act like I'm in charge. I say "help!" But i still find it hard to say to God, "thanks Father, it's a good day; show me the way... Show me YOUR way!" When I found the strength and willingness to search and discover my human character defects, I made a commitment to God to let Him take them from me. Not all at once, not in the magical flash of a second, but in time. I agreed to be open with Him and allow Him to free me. When I try to take the reigns, whether on the best day of my life or the very worst, I am not letting my Creator in!! The only perfect thing in this world is God. The only way for me to even come close to living a perfect life is to live in a Godly way; "Thy will be done, not mine."
I am preparing my soul for the reinitiating of Christ. My time away from the church was bumpy, dark, and miserable. Coming back has been gradual, but so life giving. I am constantly growing closer to my faith because my spirituality is already so strong; it's the foundation. Today I had to choose to put God's will before my own... I had to defeat fear that has been lingering in me. You see, for so long I was afraid to admit I was Christian again.. Afraid that I would be judged by people. The reality is that I was judging myself. Perhaps for straying from the church, perhaps for years of speaking poorly of people who stood strong in their faith, more than likely all of the above. I have been consumed with the guilt of turning my back on Jesus. I have been trying to fit some sort of spiritual, faithful mold and when the stark clarity cane that I don't have to do that came, it hit me hard. The truth is I have been feeling great in church and the fear of saying, yes, Christianity feels right to me, was pushing me away from it. I'm giving that defect to God today. Here ya go, Father, take this guilt and shame. TAKE IT! But this time I mean it. I wore my cross to work today. SERIOUSLY PEOPLE, i thought about doing it all week and had anxiety about it. So silly. I can't say I'm in if I'm not, not anymore. My life has to be about positive action, or I will fall right back into my old ways. So, simple as that, I said yes to God today and wore a necklace. But the feeling of relief I have... You would've thought I just won a superstar marathon. The little things :)
Grateful to have the chance this evening to spend some time with my grandma in grateful praise. And I love that our church does fun things like a jazz service. How cool to find different ways to be thankful! And I love jazz!! Win, win.... Thanks, God, Your way is continually better than my own!

Friday, September 5, 2014

Reminder for today:

From She Reads Truth, current Bible study is Hosea:

Weekend vibes

So as i sit here snuggled up under a blanket, watching my weekly dose of Bev Hills 90210 (TVGN is replaying it from the BEGINNING, YESSSSS!), all i can think is.. Whyyyy must i leave to go to work today?! Why can't there be a BH90210 marathon all day?!
Then i remember that i just took my pre-workout, so my skin will be crawling in about 10 minutes and i'll be forced to leave Cozy Central to workout regardless ;p hahaha
I can tell it's Friday, and yet i have no clue where time has gone; the weekends are so strange to me! My body is beat and all i can think about is being on the couch. But i seriously have no idea how i'm already done with my classes for the week and how i only have one more day of work before my weekend. That is definitely one of the perks of my job; it flies by so fast.
We had issues with the power company weds night- thurs afternoon. Thank God our food didn't spoil!!! Utilities being monopolized is so horrendous. We have a lot of improving to do in our communities and country to benefit the overall population. What a sham some of these bills and companies are; corporate pockets shouldn't be more important than our basic human needs and rights!
Okayyyy rant over! I have a workout to crush! Happy weekend babes! I've got another full one. Step work with a sponsee tonight, jazz church service with Gram tomorrow night, church and Kennywood on Sunday!

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Whole hearted life.

What a journey life is! Continually i am amazed by the things that unfold. Let me tell you about my mood shift yesterday. For the past week or two i have been struggling with random thoughts of drinking. Nothing too intense, but nothing to be ignored. With the addition of school to my life, i have been neglecting my recovery life a bit, doing just the bare minimum. For me, that is not enough. Anyway, after my blog post yesterday, we had an excellent lunch with family. Baby snuggles and laughs and good times. But somewhere following our meal, something snapped in my head. I started arguing with myself as to whether or not my drinking could or could not truly be changed. I think the combination of lack of my program mixed with leftover menstrual hormones really made a horrible "cocktail," if you will! My mind kept racing to my eating disorders... "If i was able to change that, why can't i change how i drink?!" Something in my mind was focusing on the taste of booze and leaving out all the wretched things i did to my body, mind, soul, and others. Thankfully, God has given me my perfect balancer in life, my husband. Because the truth is, i couldn't even bring myself to call my sponsor or my We. I didn't want them to talk me out of my sick thoughts. But God has given me the one person i never want to withhold myself from.  To keep me alive. And i blurted out my anxieties to harry. Although he doesn't work a recovery program, he GETS it. He said things my We would have said. And because i only had the guts to talk to him, i needed the staunch truth. I am alcoholic; i have technically NEVER drank like a "normal" person. When i began drinking around 13, i may not have drank in excess, but i ALWAYS drank to run from myself. Always. That is all i have ever known, even before i was mentally aware of it. To think i can escape or change that is my disease trying to overcome me. Alcoholism is a sin that i don't want to fall to. I can take all of that in today without crumbling under it- yes, i have this disease; no, my life isn't over. Do i consider being a drunk a sin? Yes, but in and of that, i am blessed beyond words. Because when i put my alcoholism beside me, when i am able to be bigger and stronger than it, i am overcoming sin! What a feat that is!!!
Are you able to see the beauty in the painful things in your life today? That overcoming them with God and your loved ones brings a sense of joy that only the broken can know?
I'm rejoicing A LOT today. :)

Monday, September 1, 2014

Happy labor day!

What a way to start a week- with a holiday! Which means harry has off so i get an extra hubby day!!! We snuggled the fur babies and slept in, since i did not have class either. Just busting out the cardio to finish my workout and then we're off for some family time! I ADORE holidays. Because of their meaning but even moreso because anytime that can actually get set aside for fanily in this busy world is freeeeaking amazing to me! I want family time everyday but that obviously isn't possible.
How can you be there for your family this Labor Day?   We celebrate this day every year to look at the contributions laborers have made to our economic and social structure. So, celebrating this day of American strength, how can you apply that same dedication of strength and hard work to your family unit?
Sending the best! Xoxo