Saturday, January 31, 2015

Continually growing/ ever changing

It's that time again- the time where i examine my life and what is in it and how i feel about the current and the lacking. I think i've come to the realizatiom that there are very few things that i feel 100% about in this life; i know without a doubt i married my soul mate, i know for certain that i want to have a child when it's meant to happen, my family will always ne incredibly important and hold precedent over most other things, i'm eternally connected to a Divine Presence from an interna source, my childhood was incredible regardless of unique quirks, and i need to have a life full of helping people, in any form or way possible. Now, i say that i "think" i came to this conclusion because aside from my feelings on those specific things, my heart and mind change constantly. Sometimes daily. As i sit here in the tattoo shop, helping out by working on my day off from the lab, i feel confused about my career changes. I know that the lab experience will bring me benefits down the road, but my pride feels like a contender with my worth. A basic, boring job with horroble hours and horrible pay, but potential for career benefits. Compares to this pleasant, artistic, open job with decent pay. Not to mention, connecting a friens to take my place, so the spot i feel a sudden yearning for is not even available. While these days and weeks fly by into months and years, i try to remember that by summer i should be certified for phlebotomy and have more options arise. By summer, things could possibly be better. I just have to try and squeeze two pennies together to survive until then. I just have to get by on the simple things. I need to put more positive things into my heart so that the long boring nighta of underappreciated work don't break me down before i have the chance to reach my potential. And i have to stay free on myself to know that there is no mold or career that i must fit or follow. Because the path always appears to be paved in gold but has many cracks and bumps. The "career" that has turned out to be a shit show. The job that contained more of my heart than i realized. The future, that has yet to be molded and grow.

Sunday, January 4, 2015

Ready & willing

I tend to feel motivated in my life as a whole. That is to say, when i'm on- i'm on! And when i'm gone- oh brother. Returning to my sober lifestyle has brought along the wave of gratitude and dedication that i've needed in all aspects of my life. God has blessed me with the ability to have an open and honest communication level with my husband, so when he bought us gym memberships because my lack of self confidence was so lacking, i knew it was a sign. "Hey, kid, you're working hard to do right again... Do it for yourself, too." And so my exercising has come back around, which in turn prompted my eating to right itself, which leads to an overall boost- in confidence and actual happiness. I'm on. So now i'm chasing this different desire. How do i KEEP this positive flow, this dedication to goodness for myself and others? I don't want to have to mend myself and my relationships and my attitudes every few months or years- i want it longterm. And the only answer i can see is: do the work. Be honest to others so i can be honest with myself and keep moving forward rather than falling back on excuses. I'm trying to get my career goals in line, making recent modifications to previous goals. I'm trying to get my family values and goals in line, trying to a good wife and life partner. I'm getting my food thoughts in line, relying more on science and less on the voice in my head that tries to lure me back to my eating disorders. And i have my fitness goals back on track- because it brings me self empowerment and joy. Transforming from the past of wanting to have nothing but bones and skin to wanting to build muscle and be athletically fit is a BIG DEAL to me. So i try to nurture this feeling when it is here, planning workouts and setting goals, because i don't want it to leave. Well, the time has come to try to make these things life long and not just temporary. Revisiting my 3rd step in my recovery is helping me tremendously to grow. Seriously, it's moving mountains in my heart. Before I go, I'll share the 3rd step prayer. Because whether you're recovering from addiction or just living today as a human, this prayer is magnificent for all of us. "God, I offer myself to Thee- To build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!" Happy living (not just existing), friends.