Thursday, October 22, 2015

Knowing when to let go.

If you're like me, it's hard not to stay stuck; on people, on spending money frivolously, on mopey and detrimental feelings, on laziness and hyperactivity. This could be a side effect of my diagnosed emotional disorders/ chemical imbalance, but i choose to direct my attention to the fact that regardless of the cause, it is a character default that i juggle, off and on. Letting go of these things, these people, is quite difficult for me. I tend to romanticize this world and peoples' actions, so it can be tough for me to detach myself from those notions and ground myself in reality- but i have significantly grown in regards to this. A lot of my growth started in the same place; a psychiatric hospital in 2011. While it still took me some time to tackle the depth of my demons, it was a turning point in my life. One of the biggest changes that occurred was starting to let people go. Here's the dark truth- i'm obsessive, and yes, even with people. My morning routine to this day has to be sorted around a cleaning OCD that keeps my from carrying on with the rest of my life. Consider it a tamer groundhog day. So for me, starting to focus only on the people who stuck close to me in a dark time really drew a little light into my life. My husband, because of his support and love then and still to this day, is my number one human on this planet. What that means is that if you put me in a place where i must choose between him or you, he wins; if i only have 3 hours of free time in a week after work and recovery, he gets those hours. How my love for him, rather than hopefulness in obsessive approval (as most of my relationships had been), changed me is that i have improved on letting myself be consumed by obsession for being around people and practice loving those i'm around in the moment. I have the opposite of social anxiety; we'll call it solo anxiety for a little laugh. There was a time when any moment, even mere minutes, spent by myself meant i was harming my body in some way. I was harming my heart. But when i was in an upward spiral, being around other people made me feel invigorated and full of life. I was living through other people. In case you were wondering, that's only fulfilling for half of a second. I still have some difficulty not "overbooking" myself. I want to please everyone and be where they need me to be when they need me to be there. But the improvement has been drastic, in my opinion. It's still a work in progress, of course, because that's what life is. I need to be less accessible so that i can devote my time to the necessities to grow, to center, to flourish. We live in a time when everyone and everything is chaotic, and it's okay. I feel like my renewal in life these past few years makes me seem like an elderly shut in sometimes; choosing laundry over all night parties. (Seeing as how i teeter on the tendencies of a 4 year old going on 94 years young, i came to terms with this in a joyful way, immediately.) I can't say that i've "lost" a lot of friends or interests or gave up on the scenes i floated around in. But i did transform. If anyone disagreed with my spiritual growth, a vital aspect of my recovery, they or i simply withdrew some. If people had no invitations for me aside from a party, we simply stopped requesting each other's presence as often. When my focus on my family took precedence, others focused their time where they enjoyed it as well. There was no loss; loss implies sorrow. The towns i lived in, the good and bad people alike that i had shared days with, the empty goals of my days, the habits i reveled in... i didn't lose these things. They just changed. Changed is going to happen in every little millimeter of our lives, forever, constantly. Rather than viewing it as bad, i chose to open my eyes and see the good in it. I ALWAYS played the victim card. I was a pioneer of the poker game of pity when i played my hand. But when i finally started seeing change in my people, places, and things as a good thing, a natural thing- life just clicked. It's a hell of a lot easier to build myself up and a little harder to break myself down. I started to allow myself to let go. I love the people who were and will be powerful presences in my life. I even love and forgive the ones who scarred me deep. I pray that people i neglected can view me in that way too. By letting them go and live their lives, i don't bog myself down with an unrealistic fantasy. i don't demand that they try to appease my life changes if they don't care for them. i just let them live. Isn't that all that we really want to do- LIVE ?! Not just scraping by, not "dealing with it." We want the most, the happiness, the feel good movie type of stuff! (Okay, i'm a horror fan, so sometimes that means a movie different than The Notebook, but you get what i'm saying!) Can you bring yourself to let go of something that no longer serves your upward growth? Can you let go of something today that you no longer serve well, either? / // / // / Today, as i have felt for the past few days, i feel like my heart is sitting in the bottom of my leg. It's like no matter how hard i try, i just can't get it uplifted. I'm moody, self wallowing at the drop of a hat. And then other moments, i'm so-so. This is the true story of my unmedicated bipolar disorder. But it's a GOOD thing. i went cold turkey off my pharmaceutical medications in the early spring of 2012. I wasn't going to deal with playing games with medication, with having my highs and lows amplified, with lengthy side effects. Flushing my medicine down the toilet after leaving work early with a terrible anxiety attack, I chose a different path. My fitness life change definitely has been the main element of my natural cure-all. That's not what this post is about though. This post is about mediating this morning with some music and a few words to hopefully help you. Because in turn, it slowly helps me release myself from the grips of my BPD. It helps me calm my nerves long enough to know that i'm not worthless; that i am so loved by my God, my husband, and MYSELF, that regardless of whether anyone else says a kind word to me, i'm good. This day is GOOD, just like every and any day. Because life isn't a promise, it isn't something we earned, and we certainly don't have a right to keep it. Life is a delicate and precious gift that needs to be loved, fulfilled, and shouted about with reverence! So that's what i'm going to make today; a celebration. This joyful time alone has given me the opportunity to remember how far i've come and how much more i'm going to conquer and enjoy. Just because i have something like BPD doesn't mean i'm defeated. That diagnosis years back doesn't mean my personal definition is intertwined with that acronym. i know now when to let go of my sorrow that enters without my approval. / // / // / Happy Thursday- you are SO loved!

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