Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Jumping back into passion.

Does anyone else feel like they get so attached to multiple things that their fire starts to die out? --- The fire that burns for their obvious passions and the unknown embers that lead to spontaneous creation? --- Well HELLO, I am that lady! I've become so immersed in others' notions of my approaching figure competition that I have lost my burning desire for my workouts. I drag myself into cardio and have no interest left to actually hitting the weights. Or, my darling husband tries to get a couple's workout in and I manage interest for a bit before becoming antsy, lippy, or flustered with time. What the hell is the point then?! For me, lifting was an escape, it welcomed me into my recovery from eating disorders and a transformed mindset on my personal beauty. And now I find myself losing that spark. Actually, losing is a poor term because it will always be there- but it is slipping into the background. With that in mind, I am genuinely considering holding off until Spring 2016 to compete so that I can restructure my diet plan and regain my passion. Keep my priorities in order. With the millions of things I have going on in my life, I need to see what needs cared for now and what needs cared for later, and attack in order of importance. The truth is that my life needs a lot of reconstruction in general, and I have to give my focus and attention to the most important things first and foremost. We're preparing for our two year anniversary vacation, and I can't let the focus of our trip be counting calories and restrictions- it needs to be focusing on reconnecting with my husband first and foremost, as well as our family and taking a break from phones and internet and work. To clarify that- I will NOT be stuffing my face day in and day out. In fact, I plan on sticking with my current competition diet plan almost exclusively, but if I happen to have a dessert with dinner or not fuss over an added sauce to a meat dish or have a ginger beer with my husband, nope; not an ounce of regret or guilt. At the end of the day, anything that resembles an ED habit, thought, or obsession will be squashed and altered. My health and recovery will never be jeopardized under my watchful eye- whether for vanity, a person, or anything else. I want to get eager to jump into my workout, I want to feel that endorphin release, I want to go nuts on weights in our home gym one day, go to a Crossfit class another day and a power yoga the next, all in the same week, just because I like it. I don't want to feel suffocated by planned workouts or forced into a set plan- workouts need to be fun, or they don't happen. A bad workout is a workout that doesn't happen. --- Long story short, if you feel your fire fizzling out, pause and asses where your heart stands. What is it that you do that makes your heart beat- hobbies, career, family time? Are you still connected to those things? Do you need to establish them again in your life or is it something else that you're missing? Literally sit down and write out a plan on how to reclaim your fire. NEVER LET THAT SIZZLE OUT! It is what drives us as human beings; what keeps us pushing through the days with joy! Christ has pushed on my heart HEAVY lately that I am not fulfilling my bigger calling. While I have no clue what that means exactly yet, I know I have to get to work, because right now, I'm trying to push the wrong mountains, and they refuse to budge. I am not the type of person that can stay stagnant- it eats away at me deeper and deeper until I begin to self destruct. A little mental break from responsibility and real life will be magical FOR SURE! Celebrating my two year wedding anniversary with the most supportive, loving man in the world is the best gift in the world I could ever ask for; revisiting the pink beaches we celebrated our wedding on is going to fill every cell in my body with life!!! I'm blessed to share this special gift from my mother in law with her; I am grateful to have the connection and friendship that I do with her and know that we will share more laughs and talks on this trip. So how will I purposefully reignite my fire on this trip? First of all- LIST MAKING. I have started a few, I plan on restructuring them and redefining them while gone as well; everything from a daily tasks list to "Life after Bermuda." HA! I look forward to reading and getting back into my book idea during my down time on the boat to Bermuda. My creative juices are FLOWING and yearning for an outlet! I'm looking forward to spontaneous, unstructured workouts daily on the boat as well. Just letting my morning muscle desires lead the way and then running on the outside track with the sunrise. I'm going to be honest, I already know what restaurant we're eating at for our anniversary, and I'm really excited to eat lamb and some sort of chocolate dessert ! HA! I'm not NOT competing October 3rd as of now, but in my mind, I am leaning more towards a spring competition, for mental and physical growth. I will be spending this entire week canoodling my husband and reestablishing the strength of our partnership, our marriage, our love and future. Through his continued love and support, I know I can take on the world and win. Plus, we are the perfect counterpart for each other. He brings clarity and stability where I need it and vice versa. And when I return home, I plan on attacking the next set of priorities; it's time to cross things off the lists!

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