Continually sewing old oats in new ways

Nearing 30 has done many positive things for me. I feel a lot more centered, i feel like i have my purpose a little more clarified, i'm more involved with my family life than my social life. But i also still feel like i'm hurdling forward awkwardly, without direction. I put my faith in God because i HAVE to; it's impossible to get through a day thinking i'm the final decision maker. So i say: what is bothering me, what is in my power to change, what action must be taken to remedy the problem? ••• i've been so incredibly blessed to have such supportive people around me. Upon thinking of how much i need more time With my loved ones, i researched my options- 1) work in a restaurant setting part-time during the week, 2) go back to the sewing factory and work mon-fri. I didn't even think to ask my current boss if we could adjust my schedule; i just planned on moving along. That was particularly diffcult for me to swallow, however. I realized that i really DO love where i work, the people i get to share my time with, the atmosphere. Leaving suddenly became too hard to deal with, so when i broke the news to my boss, i said i "may" take another job. The suggestion shook throughout everyone, and to my surprise, i felt wanted. The idea to stay and find a helper for Saturdays came and without a second guess, i knew: this is how it all works out right, this is my silver lining. What seems like a lifetime of half-lived years given to companies that barely thought twice about me- or small family places that were marvelous but couldn't stay afloat. This is how i get to have it all; well, almost all. [[Our continued struggle to have a Baby Hergy breaks my heart a little each month, but i am swearing off my sadness and striving for hopeful patience.]] By the late summer/ fall, i will work 4 days a week in my beloved tattoo shop. I will make sure my dear friends and their clients are cared for. But come the weekend, my heart will be poured over my family and friends. 3 whole days to disperse my attention with faces, places, and cleaning. I can barely stand knowing hunting weekend trips will be something in our reality!!! ••• This is how i get to Have extra time to focus on my dreams of guiding women's recovery with eating disorders with faith and fitness. This is i get to find REAL balance in life. ••• This is how i get back into my newly redone art room and sew and paint and have that creative outlet again. ••• This is how a block finally lifted and i knew exactly how to process thoughts and what to name a project i've been hoping to write for awhile. ••• Please know, you always have a say in your life. Speak up, while you have the chance.

Knowing when to let go.

If you're like me, it's hard not to stay stuck; on people, on spending money frivolously, on mopey and detrimental feelings, on laziness and hyperactivity. This could be a side effect of my diagnosed emotional disorders/ chemical imbalance, but i choose to direct my attention to the fact that regardless of the cause, it is a character default that i juggle, off and on. Letting go of these things, these people, is quite difficult for me. I tend to romanticize this world and peoples' actions, so it can be tough for me to detach myself from those notions and ground myself in reality- but i have significantly grown in regards to this. A lot of my growth started in the same place; a psychiatric hospital in 2011. While it still took me some time to tackle the depth of my demons, it was a turning point in my life. One of the biggest changes that occurred was starting to let people go. Here's the dark truth- i'm obsessive, and yes, even with people. My morning routine to this day has to be sorted around a cleaning OCD that keeps my from carrying on with the rest of my life. Consider it a tamer groundhog day. So for me, starting to focus only on the people who stuck close to me in a dark time really drew a little light into my life. My husband, because of his support and love then and still to this day, is my number one human on this planet. What that means is that if you put me in a place where i must choose between him or you, he wins; if i only have 3 hours of free time in a week after work and recovery, he gets those hours. How my love for him, rather than hopefulness in obsessive approval (as most of my relationships had been), changed me is that i have improved on letting myself be consumed by obsession for being around people and practice loving those i'm around in the moment. I have the opposite of social anxiety; we'll call it solo anxiety for a little laugh. There was a time when any moment, even mere minutes, spent by myself meant i was harming my body in some way. I was harming my heart. But when i was in an upward spiral, being around other people made me feel invigorated and full of life. I was living through other people. In case you were wondering, that's only fulfilling for half of a second. I still have some difficulty not "overbooking" myself. I want to please everyone and be where they need me to be when they need me to be there. But the improvement has been drastic, in my opinion. It's still a work in progress, of course, because that's what life is. I need to be less accessible so that i can devote my time to the necessities to grow, to center, to flourish. We live in a time when everyone and everything is chaotic, and it's okay. I feel like my renewal in life these past few years makes me seem like an elderly shut in sometimes; choosing laundry over all night parties. (Seeing as how i teeter on the tendencies of a 4 year old going on 94 years young, i came to terms with this in a joyful way, immediately.) I can't say that i've "lost" a lot of friends or interests or gave up on the scenes i floated around in. But i did transform. If anyone disagreed with my spiritual growth, a vital aspect of my recovery, they or i simply withdrew some. If people had no invitations for me aside from a party, we simply stopped requesting each other's presence as often. When my focus on my family took precedence, others focused their time where they enjoyed it as well. There was no loss; loss implies sorrow. The towns i lived in, the good and bad people alike that i had shared days with, the empty goals of my days, the habits i reveled in... i didn't lose these things. They just changed. Changed is going to happen in every little millimeter of our lives, forever, constantly. Rather than viewing it as bad, i chose to open my eyes and see the good in it. I ALWAYS played the victim card. I was a pioneer of the poker game of pity when i played my hand. But when i finally started seeing change in my people, places, and things as a good thing, a natural thing- life just clicked. It's a hell of a lot easier to build myself up and a little harder to break myself down. I started to allow myself to let go. I love the people who were and will be powerful presences in my life. I even love and forgive the ones who scarred me deep. I pray that people i neglected can view me in that way too. By letting them go and live their lives, i don't bog myself down with an unrealistic fantasy. i don't demand that they try to appease my life changes if they don't care for them. i just let them live. Isn't that all that we really want to do- LIVE ?! Not just scraping by, not "dealing with it." We want the most, the happiness, the feel good movie type of stuff! (Okay, i'm a horror fan, so sometimes that means a movie different than The Notebook, but you get what i'm saying!) Can you bring yourself to let go of something that no longer serves your upward growth? Can you let go of something today that you no longer serve well, either? / // / // / Today, as i have felt for the past few days, i feel like my heart is sitting in the bottom of my leg. It's like no matter how hard i try, i just can't get it uplifted. I'm moody, self wallowing at the drop of a hat. And then other moments, i'm so-so. This is the true story of my unmedicated bipolar disorder. But it's a GOOD thing. i went cold turkey off my pharmaceutical medications in the early spring of 2012. I wasn't going to deal with playing games with medication, with having my highs and lows amplified, with lengthy side effects. Flushing my medicine down the toilet after leaving work early with a terrible anxiety attack, I chose a different path. My fitness life change definitely has been the main element of my natural cure-all. That's not what this post is about though. This post is about mediating this morning with some music and a few words to hopefully help you. Because in turn, it slowly helps me release myself from the grips of my BPD. It helps me calm my nerves long enough to know that i'm not worthless; that i am so loved by my God, my husband, and MYSELF, that regardless of whether anyone else says a kind word to me, i'm good. This day is GOOD, just like every and any day. Because life isn't a promise, it isn't something we earned, and we certainly don't have a right to keep it. Life is a delicate and precious gift that needs to be loved, fulfilled, and shouted about with reverence! So that's what i'm going to make today; a celebration. This joyful time alone has given me the opportunity to remember how far i've come and how much more i'm going to conquer and enjoy. Just because i have something like BPD doesn't mean i'm defeated. That diagnosis years back doesn't mean my personal definition is intertwined with that acronym. i know now when to let go of my sorrow that enters without my approval. / // / // / Happy Thursday- you are SO loved!

Owning Your Story :: Attracting Your Tribe

Writing a blog, seeking hopeful new friends to connect with, trying to put my name/ my brand out there for my fitness business--- these things have me constantly contemplating who i am// what my journey can be described as. In doing that, i have realized that what that truly means is being okay to tell my story. It means accepting my past and my current and sharing it with others in a shameless way. Here's the deal; when i make people aware of who i am, my tribe, my people, are attracted to me. And the wonderful people who may share a different life path or not care for what I have to say slowly trickle out. But that's okay. I need to make myself and my few moments of spare time open only for those who are a part of my tribe. WHAT IS ALL THIS TALK OF A TRIBE, you may ask? The most common definition of the noun "tribe" is: any aggregate of people united by ties of descent from a common ancestor, community of customs and traditions, adherence to the same leaders, etc. So, when you hear people talking about finding and attracting their tribe these days, they are trying to find the people they can walk in this life with that will understand them, uplift them, be there for them. I want to find like-minded people that seek growth in their lives, the people who were once broken but now recovering- from whatever life ailment they may have. My personal story speaks of certain recovery, so I share my own tales to especially draw my fellow tribe members in. I want to be around the girls and guys who know that fitness doesn't just have to be in vain or to splurge on a cheeseburger or an excuse to buy new LuLu Lemon outfits. I NEED my tribe to back me and be with me, stretch for lift, when I try to help people change mentally through a seemingly physical process. To recover together, to heal together, to celebrate growing into the people we are meant to be together. /// The thing about surrounding yourself with the people that understand you is that you'll be nurtured when you don't expect it and thrown tough love when you think you don't need it. And you'll take it all in; these are the people who tiptoe in the same footsteps as you. Look at your circle of friends now-- are you manipulating each other or extending hands to one another? Are you having deep conversations or focusing solely on moments from Us Weekly? Do they know your blood relatives names or do they only know the confines of the hangout you are in? It is possible that you have NEVER been surrounded by your real tribe. This could be due to seeking improper things in people; often, we as human beings seek validation from others. Because of this, we latch on to people for their pleasing words more than their personalities. Or perhaps you have that one perfect friend but limit yourself to the potential for how many confidantes you could cherish. /// FINDING YOUR TRIBE~~~ This first requires you being open and honest with yourself. Who are you now? What are your dreams for the future? What do you need to improve upon to achieve those? What bad habits, thoughts, and people do you need to release to move forward towards your destiny? Once your self improvement has started, you will already be in the first stages of finding your tribe. Just by being yourself, you will attract your peoples. And because life is a continuing journey of change, it is entirely logical and possible that people will come and go in this time- throughout the whole of our lives. Be yourself- share it honestly- attract people that dig what you put out into the world. It is so simple that it seems difficult. Social media doesn't have to be a horrendous platform for self gratification and nagging. It can be an endless meeting ground for your tribe! Share positivity, share your hard days with a solution in hand, share the beautiful person that you are. We are not made to be pleasing to every single human; it is essential that we stay true to who we are while seeking progress in our daily existence. So here's your homework-- write down a few things about WHO YOU ARE. What do you like? What causes are you involved in? What's your home life like? Now write down WHO YOU WANT TO BE. What are your career goals? How do you want to help people? Look at these options and share the truths. Everyone needs work; anyone that says they're perfect is either delusional or a liar. So bravely be you in a world that falsely proclaims flawlessness and know that you are beautiful, no matter where you are in your journey.

FEATURE #1 FROM MY FUTURE BOOK!!

Hey friends! To keep myself on my targeted deadlines, and to present a little taste of what will be coming from my book, I have decided to share a piece twice a week with you throughout May! The basis of my book is founded in being happy and whole; targeting the three aspects of daily life that I have found brought me genuine happiness! Without a doubt in my mind or heart, I feel that it is essential to nurture your physical, mental, and spiritual health daily, in order to prosper and truly make the most out of each day. I hope that you enjoy these little shares, and I look forward to presenting and sharing the completed works with you soon! With love, Leeana Today's excerpt- Focusing on spiritual health: SPIRITUAL WORKOUT: Revelation 21:4 “ 'He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” We are quick to see, and remember, the beauty of life as we are in the throes of it; picnics and swimming in the summer, family holidays, winter sports and snowmen, career advances, that first kiss. But as humans, we tend to shy away from keeping the dark times in near thought; broken hearts, the passing of people we love, failing at endeavors. Just as soon as we emerge from a seemingly bad moment or phase in our lives, we want to run and hide from it. What if we were able to keep both the dark and light in our life in equal rank? It's the hard times that make us want to grow; without starting at a bottom, what room would there be to prosper and rise? In this Revelation passage, we are reminded that we have a forever home with our Creator. No matter what we face in life, good or bad, we have a never-ending future of peace, even after we leave the physical realm of Earth. Each struggle and challenge we are dealt is a chance to grow as a person, for ourselves and for others. If we succumb to even the smallest of hard times, we allow the possibility of acting as victims, keeping us from the true joys that we may have not been graced with yet. Life must have balance; we cannot appreciate the good fully without the stark difference of the bad. Cherish ALL the things that come about in your daily existence, as they serve a purpose in one way or another! Today's meditation: I am capable of working through the hard times in life. I will breathe through this process, accept the negative and turn it into a positive, and not play a victim. I welcome both good and bad happenings, for I know each have their place in the greater scheme of my life.

The calm before the storm

Whew. I'm in one of those phases of life where there is A LOT going on, and all I can think about is how badly I want to lay on my couch and watch television! Last week focused heavily on church, Holy Week, and preparing for the family to come over on Easter Sunday. This week is full of night shifts, last minute preparations for my dear friends Cori and Johnny's wedding, a trip to visit a friend out of town, and then the actual festivities of the weekend for the wedding. Not to mention my mother in law's knee surgery got bumped up to this Friday, so I will need to check in on her at some point. I'm grateful for such a vibrant, eventful life, but I am MORE than excited for next week to be a little calmer! I have more day shifts than night which means more dinner and cuddles with my hubby. And I refuse to make any set plans; if something comes up that fits the time and mood, I'll be all in, but I want the freedom to just be a couch potato! (Figuratively, my workouts are going to be on point from now on!) Easter was so special to me, for many reasons, but it's time to get focused again. My belly has been very upset with my holiday decisions! From moments of feeling nauseous and the least bit hungry to eating more than necessary, thus leading back to feeling poopy. Ha! The vicious cycle! My morning business work is done, my breakfast Shakeo has me all energized... time to finish bridesmaid bouquets and then crush my leg day!! Happy Tuesday, people!

Returning to my writing!

Oh blog. The phases we go through together! I come and write daily for some time and then leave you high and dry. No more- I promise! This Lenten holiday has really invigorated me with new life. I'm focusing on my fitness business more to build it up so that it could be my full time HAPPY career someday, sooner than later. I'm being open and honest about my faith and trust in Jesus more on social media. True story- I didn't want to pretend I was going to give up something material for Lent (c'mon, I don't even make New Years Resolutions, gotta start small!), so I made the decision to give up a fear instead: no more fear of posting my faithfulness on social media and worrying about people judging me. Non-believers, friends of mine who have seen me when I was a negative agnostic, people who consider those that are open with their faith ignorant simply because they don't share that faith. I wanted to give that up, because I want to truly share love like Christ did. And the way I can do that is by sharing my own love, which stems from a love given to me by He who died for me. Holy Week put a lot of intense feelings in my heart that I haven't had since I was a pre-teen and decided to get baptized. It feels good to have this revived yet new life in me, so fitting for Lent. And I will have Sundays and Thursdays off from now on, which means this girl is getting back into the choir!!!!!!!!!! In the mean time, I do love my job at The Fresh Market. It's nice to help people with healthy food options and get a discount on them myself! Our store ranked #9 on the Consumer Report for top grocery stores in the US! How cool is that?! I think that once my at home business takes off and I'm able to make income off of it to not have another job, I'd still like to work two or three days a week there to stay around all the pretty food ;) My one online summer class will be starting next month- just my English 2. I haven't 100% decided what I want to do yet, but I'm really leaning towards nutritional science. I think that could help me incredibly with fitness clients, as well as my long term dream to help men & women recover from eating disorders. Our bathroom is also coming along beautifully, which brings some peace! I'm praying it's done before the summer weather starts so we can get our house back in order before cookout season starts! Well, this will be a short catch up post- I have many errands to do before work and then tomorrow is a magnificent Easter celebration at our home! Hope you are all well and living life fully this Holy Week! Love Lee