The calm before the storm

Whew. I'm in one of those phases of life where there is A LOT going on, and all I can think about is how badly I want to lay on my couch and watch television! Last week focused heavily on church, Holy Week, and preparing for the family to come over on Easter Sunday. This week is full of night shifts, last minute preparations for my dear friends Cori and Johnny's wedding, a trip to visit a friend out of town, and then the actual festivities of the weekend for the wedding. Not to mention my mother in law's knee surgery got bumped up to this Friday, so I will need to check in on her at some point. I'm grateful for such a vibrant, eventful life, but I am MORE than excited for next week to be a little calmer! I have more day shifts than night which means more dinner and cuddles with my hubby. And I refuse to make any set plans; if something comes up that fits the time and mood, I'll be all in, but I want the freedom to just be a couch potato! (Figuratively, my workouts are going to be on point from now on!) Easter was so special to me, for many reasons, but it's time to get focused again. My belly has been very upset with my holiday decisions! From moments of feeling nauseous and the least bit hungry to eating more than necessary, thus leading back to feeling poopy. Ha! The vicious cycle! My morning business work is done, my breakfast Shakeo has me all energized... time to finish bridesmaid bouquets and then crush my leg day!! Happy Tuesday, people!

Returning to my writing!

Oh blog. The phases we go through together! I come and write daily for some time and then leave you high and dry. No more- I promise! This Lenten holiday has really invigorated me with new life. I'm focusing on my fitness business more to build it up so that it could be my full time HAPPY career someday, sooner than later. I'm being open and honest about my faith and trust in Jesus more on social media. True story- I didn't want to pretend I was going to give up something material for Lent (c'mon, I don't even make New Years Resolutions, gotta start small!), so I made the decision to give up a fear instead: no more fear of posting my faithfulness on social media and worrying about people judging me. Non-believers, friends of mine who have seen me when I was a negative agnostic, people who consider those that are open with their faith ignorant simply because they don't share that faith. I wanted to give that up, because I want to truly share love like Christ did. And the way I can do that is by sharing my own love, which stems from a love given to me by He who died for me. Holy Week put a lot of intense feelings in my heart that I haven't had since I was a pre-teen and decided to get baptized. It feels good to have this revived yet new life in me, so fitting for Lent. And I will have Sundays and Thursdays off from now on, which means this girl is getting back into the choir!!!!!!!!!! In the mean time, I do love my job at The Fresh Market. It's nice to help people with healthy food options and get a discount on them myself! Our store ranked #9 on the Consumer Report for top grocery stores in the US! How cool is that?! I think that once my at home business takes off and I'm able to make income off of it to not have another job, I'd still like to work two or three days a week there to stay around all the pretty food ;) My one online summer class will be starting next month- just my English 2. I haven't 100% decided what I want to do yet, but I'm really leaning towards nutritional science. I think that could help me incredibly with fitness clients, as well as my long term dream to help men & women recover from eating disorders. Our bathroom is also coming along beautifully, which brings some peace! I'm praying it's done before the summer weather starts so we can get our house back in order before cookout season starts! Well, this will be a short catch up post- I have many errands to do before work and then tomorrow is a magnificent Easter celebration at our home! Hope you are all well and living life fully this Holy Week! Love Lee

Continually growing/ ever changing

It's that time again- the time where i examine my life and what is in it and how i feel about the current and the lacking. I think i've come to the realizatiom that there are very few things that i feel 100% about in this life; i know without a doubt i married my soul mate, i know for certain that i want to have a child when it's meant to happen, my family will always ne incredibly important and hold precedent over most other things, i'm eternally connected to a Divine Presence from an interna source, my childhood was incredible regardless of unique quirks, and i need to have a life full of helping people, in any form or way possible. Now, i say that i "think" i came to this conclusion because aside from my feelings on those specific things, my heart and mind change constantly. Sometimes daily. As i sit here in the tattoo shop, helping out by working on my day off from the lab, i feel confused about my career changes. I know that the lab experience will bring me benefits down the road, but my pride feels like a contender with my worth. A basic, boring job with horroble hours and horrible pay, but potential for career benefits. Compares to this pleasant, artistic, open job with decent pay. Not to mention, connecting a friens to take my place, so the spot i feel a sudden yearning for is not even available. While these days and weeks fly by into months and years, i try to remember that by summer i should be certified for phlebotomy and have more options arise. By summer, things could possibly be better. I just have to try and squeeze two pennies together to survive until then. I just have to get by on the simple things. I need to put more positive things into my heart so that the long boring nighta of underappreciated work don't break me down before i have the chance to reach my potential. And i have to stay free on myself to know that there is no mold or career that i must fit or follow. Because the path always appears to be paved in gold but has many cracks and bumps. The "career" that has turned out to be a shit show. The job that contained more of my heart than i realized. The future, that has yet to be molded and grow.

Ready & willing

I tend to feel motivated in my life as a whole. That is to say, when i'm on- i'm on! And when i'm gone- oh brother. Returning to my sober lifestyle has brought along the wave of gratitude and dedication that i've needed in all aspects of my life. God has blessed me with the ability to have an open and honest communication level with my husband, so when he bought us gym memberships because my lack of self confidence was so lacking, i knew it was a sign. "Hey, kid, you're working hard to do right again... Do it for yourself, too." And so my exercising has come back around, which in turn prompted my eating to right itself, which leads to an overall boost- in confidence and actual happiness. I'm on. So now i'm chasing this different desire. How do i KEEP this positive flow, this dedication to goodness for myself and others? I don't want to have to mend myself and my relationships and my attitudes every few months or years- i want it longterm. And the only answer i can see is: do the work. Be honest to others so i can be honest with myself and keep moving forward rather than falling back on excuses. I'm trying to get my career goals in line, making recent modifications to previous goals. I'm trying to get my family values and goals in line, trying to a good wife and life partner. I'm getting my food thoughts in line, relying more on science and less on the voice in my head that tries to lure me back to my eating disorders. And i have my fitness goals back on track- because it brings me self empowerment and joy. Transforming from the past of wanting to have nothing but bones and skin to wanting to build muscle and be athletically fit is a BIG DEAL to me. So i try to nurture this feeling when it is here, planning workouts and setting goals, because i don't want it to leave. Well, the time has come to try to make these things life long and not just temporary. Revisiting my 3rd step in my recovery is helping me tremendously to grow. Seriously, it's moving mountains in my heart. Before I go, I'll share the 3rd step prayer. Because whether you're recovering from addiction or just living today as a human, this prayer is magnificent for all of us. "God, I offer myself to Thee- To build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!" Happy living (not just existing), friends.

New career goals

Working in the lab is lovely... I am gaining experience in a medical lab, I am working in the city for the first time (something I have deemed as an "adult" thing to do since i was younger) , and I am constantly learning new things. That being said, I have learned a few things about the career I was thinking about pursuing. For instance, medical laboratory technicians undergo a few semesters of clinical chemistry. They also stand around in my lab talking gossip or scurry from machine to machine with various samples/specimens in hand. I see this and I think... is it worth the money? First, there is how much money I'd have to pay for school. Yes, I will have some assistance from AHN now, but there is no promise of full reimbursement. The eventual pay is nice. But as technology changes, would I have to go back to school to stay up to date with the machines? One of the great techs that has been here for quite some time told me about one of the big layoffs in the past. At the very heart of it all, I am noticing two fears that scream out to me: 1. Am I smart enough to handle that schooling/ job? 2. Will I become bored quickly without the ability to have social experiences? So, I am packing my bags from Dreamland in Lab Tech World and moving to Phlebotomy city. I am in the process of registering for phlebotomy classes, and honestly, I feel excited already! Hahaha- nothing is final, started, or anything, and already it feels like the right move. Perhaps something will move me that makes me realize I actually do want to pursue nursing, but for now, I am comfortable with this decision to change my career goals. After today's shift, I'm off to the last night of filming for The 11th Hour!!! It's bittersweet; I'm grateful to not have the weekly commitment because I feel run down right now, but I will miss acting and shooting with these goofballs. I'm so excited for April to be able to see it in the theater. But more than anything, I'm trying to focus on positivity and getting back in shape. I feel like I have been in a dual funk- physical and emotional. Time to get back into the heart of this season and focus on advent, Jesus, and the great things in my life and get the heck outta my head!

Vaccines, shmaccines

See, the thing I hate about vaccines is.... Okay, I don't hate everything. Preventing polio, I get that. But let's talk about the flu vaccination. I am a generally healthy woman with a mostly good diet that gets in a moderate amount of physical activity, and when i actually work out a SUPERB amount of physical activity! But working in a hospital, even in the lab, I am required to get the flu vaccine. I had the option to not get it done and read through some "educational" material online and sign off on it. Sadly though, as a newer hire, I had issues with the website that Highmark was using. Lucky me! After calling three separate departments, filing an online problem form, and visiting the employee health office only to be told I needed to call yet another department, I caved and got the shot. Deadlines and phonecalls made my head explode and I gave in. So today? Yep, I'm dealing with an unstuffable stuffy nose. My arm where I got the shot already feels better, but the rest of me? Exhausted and sore. Coooooool. :p This is why this healthy woman that takes vitamins almost regularly and hardly ever gets sick thinks that the flu vaccine is not made for her. And now another fun road block- my general exhaustion. English class- final research paper turned in, final group presentation done, nothing left to worry about. Pscyh class- have to write final paper but it will be a cinch and isn't due for two weeks, not much to worry about. Bio- OH BROTHER.... Felt like crap today, mentally mostly, and skipped my last lecture class. Thankfully I had the notes printed out already, but still there is definitely a bonus to discussing the topics with her and knowing exactly how she wants to define things. And Monday I'll be jumping right into the lab final. Ugh. At least I have the cell numbers of my lab group partners; I'll pick their brains later as to what we went over in class today so I'm prepared. But that's not all! Monday is just the LAB final... Wednesday is the lecture final! Oh yay! I guess I'm just stressing over it because I have so much chemistry to look forward to that I need to grasp this class to move on. At least in my mind. Plus, I feel completely confident about my english and psych class based on the overall semester and high school overall too. Bio is my wildcard though. Well, off to work to sit and feel miserable. Hopefully these symptoms go away soon so I can get back to cramming life in. But why oh why can't I just sit at home and watch Grey's Anatomy under my blanket with my fur nuggets and the beautiful grey skies all day?!?!?!?! ;p

Some things about today:

School is so close to done that I can taste it. Well, this semester anyway. Thank. God. I am looking forward to a small break before my online classes. My final english presentation went superb. I got to work mega early and was able to run down to Crazy Mocha. FIRST PAYCHECK ON FRIDAY IN AWHILE- YESYESYESYESYESYESYESYES. So many bills/responsibilities to be paid and I'm not even mad about it. It just feels good to know money will be in my account again. First time since my last day at the tattoo shop, November 15th- HOLY CANNOLI. welp, leaving work... time to get home, snuggle my man, and do my advent study for the day.