Continually sewing old oats in new ways

Nearing 30 has done many positive things for me. I feel a lot more centered, i feel like i have my purpose a little more clarified, i'm more involved with my family life than my social life. But i also still feel like i'm hurdling forward awkwardly, without direction. I put my faith in God because i HAVE to; it's impossible to get through a day thinking i'm the final decision maker. So i say: what is bothering me, what is in my power to change, what action must be taken to remedy the problem? ••• i've been so incredibly blessed to have such supportive people around me. Upon thinking of how much i need more time With my loved ones, i researched my options- 1) work in a restaurant setting part-time during the week, 2) go back to the sewing factory and work mon-fri. I didn't even think to ask my current boss if we could adjust my schedule; i just planned on moving along. That was particularly diffcult for me to swallow, however. I realized that i really DO love where i work, the people i get to share my time with, the atmosphere. Leaving suddenly became too hard to deal with, so when i broke the news to my boss, i said i "may" take another job. The suggestion shook throughout everyone, and to my surprise, i felt wanted. The idea to stay and find a helper for Saturdays came and without a second guess, i knew: this is how it all works out right, this is my silver lining. What seems like a lifetime of half-lived years given to companies that barely thought twice about me- or small family places that were marvelous but couldn't stay afloat. This is how i get to have it all; well, almost all. [[Our continued struggle to have a Baby Hergy breaks my heart a little each month, but i am swearing off my sadness and striving for hopeful patience.]] By the late summer/ fall, i will work 4 days a week in my beloved tattoo shop. I will make sure my dear friends and their clients are cared for. But come the weekend, my heart will be poured over my family and friends. 3 whole days to disperse my attention with faces, places, and cleaning. I can barely stand knowing hunting weekend trips will be something in our reality!!! ••• This is how i get to Have extra time to focus on my dreams of guiding women's recovery with eating disorders with faith and fitness. This is i get to find REAL balance in life. ••• This is how i get back into my newly redone art room and sew and paint and have that creative outlet again. ••• This is how a block finally lifted and i knew exactly how to process thoughts and what to name a project i've been hoping to write for awhile. ••• Please know, you always have a say in your life. Speak up, while you have the chance.

Resolutions Worth Making & Keeping

Let's be clear here- I'm a list fanatic. Doing a task simply to make a list of necessary steps and items is very real in my little OCD bubble! That being said, I am a very wishy washy new year resolution maker. Sometimes I do it, sometimes it seems relentlessly silly. But I do back the idea of making a list of self improvements!! I just wish we could all improve on doing this numerous times throughout the year! Since this year I'm on the resolute wagon, I thought i'd share them here. They are quaint and simple, but powerful.
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  1) Treat my husband the same way i did when we first met- times ten- everyday. Love him like you did the day you said forever- times ten- everyday. 2) Be nice to people at work that ask dumb questions. Laughing at their lack of knowledge isn't funny, it's rude! 3) Stay committed to your fitness goals. This hasn't simply been about you for a long time. Lead the women that need you FOR REAL! Teach classes with tenacity so women know you offer a space of love and strength. 4) Dig DEEP into your spiritual depths this year! The Source is calling you and you must respond! Study various religious and spiritual writings and meditations to stay connected in the soul. 5) Stick to the real you with your appearance. You wear YOU best. STOP TRYING TO MAKE JEANS HAPPEN. 6) Set business hours and keep them. Family time is priority time. 7) GROW G R O W GROW baby!!! (MAKE YOUR BUSINESS HAPPEN!) Inside and out. 8) Set aside $1- $5 minimum each week for every credit card debt collector so you can get financially free. 9) Love all that I love already infinitely deeper. 10) Continue to care for my body the way I should- like it's my most valued possession. XOXO

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What are your aspirations of growth for 2016?

Knowing when to let go.

If you're like me, it's hard not to stay stuck; on people, on spending money frivolously, on mopey and detrimental feelings, on laziness and hyperactivity. This could be a side effect of my diagnosed emotional disorders/ chemical imbalance, but i choose to direct my attention to the fact that regardless of the cause, it is a character default that i juggle, off and on. Letting go of these things, these people, is quite difficult for me. I tend to romanticize this world and peoples' actions, so it can be tough for me to detach myself from those notions and ground myself in reality- but i have significantly grown in regards to this. A lot of my growth started in the same place; a psychiatric hospital in 2011. While it still took me some time to tackle the depth of my demons, it was a turning point in my life. One of the biggest changes that occurred was starting to let people go. Here's the dark truth- i'm obsessive, and yes, even with people. My morning routine to this day has to be sorted around a cleaning OCD that keeps my from carrying on with the rest of my life. Consider it a tamer groundhog day. So for me, starting to focus only on the people who stuck close to me in a dark time really drew a little light into my life. My husband, because of his support and love then and still to this day, is my number one human on this planet. What that means is that if you put me in a place where i must choose between him or you, he wins; if i only have 3 hours of free time in a week after work and recovery, he gets those hours. How my love for him, rather than hopefulness in obsessive approval (as most of my relationships had been), changed me is that i have improved on letting myself be consumed by obsession for being around people and practice loving those i'm around in the moment. I have the opposite of social anxiety; we'll call it solo anxiety for a little laugh. There was a time when any moment, even mere minutes, spent by myself meant i was harming my body in some way. I was harming my heart. But when i was in an upward spiral, being around other people made me feel invigorated and full of life. I was living through other people. In case you were wondering, that's only fulfilling for half of a second. I still have some difficulty not "overbooking" myself. I want to please everyone and be where they need me to be when they need me to be there. But the improvement has been drastic, in my opinion. It's still a work in progress, of course, because that's what life is. I need to be less accessible so that i can devote my time to the necessities to grow, to center, to flourish. We live in a time when everyone and everything is chaotic, and it's okay. I feel like my renewal in life these past few years makes me seem like an elderly shut in sometimes; choosing laundry over all night parties. (Seeing as how i teeter on the tendencies of a 4 year old going on 94 years young, i came to terms with this in a joyful way, immediately.) I can't say that i've "lost" a lot of friends or interests or gave up on the scenes i floated around in. But i did transform. If anyone disagreed with my spiritual growth, a vital aspect of my recovery, they or i simply withdrew some. If people had no invitations for me aside from a party, we simply stopped requesting each other's presence as often. When my focus on my family took precedence, others focused their time where they enjoyed it as well. There was no loss; loss implies sorrow. The towns i lived in, the good and bad people alike that i had shared days with, the empty goals of my days, the habits i reveled in... i didn't lose these things. They just changed. Changed is going to happen in every little millimeter of our lives, forever, constantly. Rather than viewing it as bad, i chose to open my eyes and see the good in it. I ALWAYS played the victim card. I was a pioneer of the poker game of pity when i played my hand. But when i finally started seeing change in my people, places, and things as a good thing, a natural thing- life just clicked. It's a hell of a lot easier to build myself up and a little harder to break myself down. I started to allow myself to let go. I love the people who were and will be powerful presences in my life. I even love and forgive the ones who scarred me deep. I pray that people i neglected can view me in that way too. By letting them go and live their lives, i don't bog myself down with an unrealistic fantasy. i don't demand that they try to appease my life changes if they don't care for them. i just let them live. Isn't that all that we really want to do- LIVE ?! Not just scraping by, not "dealing with it." We want the most, the happiness, the feel good movie type of stuff! (Okay, i'm a horror fan, so sometimes that means a movie different than The Notebook, but you get what i'm saying!) Can you bring yourself to let go of something that no longer serves your upward growth? Can you let go of something today that you no longer serve well, either? / // / // / Today, as i have felt for the past few days, i feel like my heart is sitting in the bottom of my leg. It's like no matter how hard i try, i just can't get it uplifted. I'm moody, self wallowing at the drop of a hat. And then other moments, i'm so-so. This is the true story of my unmedicated bipolar disorder. But it's a GOOD thing. i went cold turkey off my pharmaceutical medications in the early spring of 2012. I wasn't going to deal with playing games with medication, with having my highs and lows amplified, with lengthy side effects. Flushing my medicine down the toilet after leaving work early with a terrible anxiety attack, I chose a different path. My fitness life change definitely has been the main element of my natural cure-all. That's not what this post is about though. This post is about mediating this morning with some music and a few words to hopefully help you. Because in turn, it slowly helps me release myself from the grips of my BPD. It helps me calm my nerves long enough to know that i'm not worthless; that i am so loved by my God, my husband, and MYSELF, that regardless of whether anyone else says a kind word to me, i'm good. This day is GOOD, just like every and any day. Because life isn't a promise, it isn't something we earned, and we certainly don't have a right to keep it. Life is a delicate and precious gift that needs to be loved, fulfilled, and shouted about with reverence! So that's what i'm going to make today; a celebration. This joyful time alone has given me the opportunity to remember how far i've come and how much more i'm going to conquer and enjoy. Just because i have something like BPD doesn't mean i'm defeated. That diagnosis years back doesn't mean my personal definition is intertwined with that acronym. i know now when to let go of my sorrow that enters without my approval. / // / // / Happy Thursday- you are SO loved!

Owning Your Story :: Attracting Your Tribe

Writing a blog, seeking hopeful new friends to connect with, trying to put my name/ my brand out there for my fitness business--- these things have me constantly contemplating who i am// what my journey can be described as. In doing that, i have realized that what that truly means is being okay to tell my story. It means accepting my past and my current and sharing it with others in a shameless way. Here's the deal; when i make people aware of who i am, my tribe, my people, are attracted to me. And the wonderful people who may share a different life path or not care for what I have to say slowly trickle out. But that's okay. I need to make myself and my few moments of spare time open only for those who are a part of my tribe. WHAT IS ALL THIS TALK OF A TRIBE, you may ask? The most common definition of the noun "tribe" is: any aggregate of people united by ties of descent from a common ancestor, community of customs and traditions, adherence to the same leaders, etc. So, when you hear people talking about finding and attracting their tribe these days, they are trying to find the people they can walk in this life with that will understand them, uplift them, be there for them. I want to find like-minded people that seek growth in their lives, the people who were once broken but now recovering- from whatever life ailment they may have. My personal story speaks of certain recovery, so I share my own tales to especially draw my fellow tribe members in. I want to be around the girls and guys who know that fitness doesn't just have to be in vain or to splurge on a cheeseburger or an excuse to buy new LuLu Lemon outfits. I NEED my tribe to back me and be with me, stretch for lift, when I try to help people change mentally through a seemingly physical process. To recover together, to heal together, to celebrate growing into the people we are meant to be together. /// The thing about surrounding yourself with the people that understand you is that you'll be nurtured when you don't expect it and thrown tough love when you think you don't need it. And you'll take it all in; these are the people who tiptoe in the same footsteps as you. Look at your circle of friends now-- are you manipulating each other or extending hands to one another? Are you having deep conversations or focusing solely on moments from Us Weekly? Do they know your blood relatives names or do they only know the confines of the hangout you are in? It is possible that you have NEVER been surrounded by your real tribe. This could be due to seeking improper things in people; often, we as human beings seek validation from others. Because of this, we latch on to people for their pleasing words more than their personalities. Or perhaps you have that one perfect friend but limit yourself to the potential for how many confidantes you could cherish. /// FINDING YOUR TRIBE~~~ This first requires you being open and honest with yourself. Who are you now? What are your dreams for the future? What do you need to improve upon to achieve those? What bad habits, thoughts, and people do you need to release to move forward towards your destiny? Once your self improvement has started, you will already be in the first stages of finding your tribe. Just by being yourself, you will attract your peoples. And because life is a continuing journey of change, it is entirely logical and possible that people will come and go in this time- throughout the whole of our lives. Be yourself- share it honestly- attract people that dig what you put out into the world. It is so simple that it seems difficult. Social media doesn't have to be a horrendous platform for self gratification and nagging. It can be an endless meeting ground for your tribe! Share positivity, share your hard days with a solution in hand, share the beautiful person that you are. We are not made to be pleasing to every single human; it is essential that we stay true to who we are while seeking progress in our daily existence. So here's your homework-- write down a few things about WHO YOU ARE. What do you like? What causes are you involved in? What's your home life like? Now write down WHO YOU WANT TO BE. What are your career goals? How do you want to help people? Look at these options and share the truths. Everyone needs work; anyone that says they're perfect is either delusional or a liar. So bravely be you in a world that falsely proclaims flawlessness and know that you are beautiful, no matter where you are in your journey.

Jumping back into passion.

Does anyone else feel like they get so attached to multiple things that their fire starts to die out? --- The fire that burns for their obvious passions and the unknown embers that lead to spontaneous creation? --- Well HELLO, I am that lady! I've become so immersed in others' notions of my approaching figure competition that I have lost my burning desire for my workouts. I drag myself into cardio and have no interest left to actually hitting the weights. Or, my darling husband tries to get a couple's workout in and I manage interest for a bit before becoming antsy, lippy, or flustered with time. What the hell is the point then?! For me, lifting was an escape, it welcomed me into my recovery from eating disorders and a transformed mindset on my personal beauty. And now I find myself losing that spark. Actually, losing is a poor term because it will always be there- but it is slipping into the background. With that in mind, I am genuinely considering holding off until Spring 2016 to compete so that I can restructure my diet plan and regain my passion. Keep my priorities in order. With the millions of things I have going on in my life, I need to see what needs cared for now and what needs cared for later, and attack in order of importance. The truth is that my life needs a lot of reconstruction in general, and I have to give my focus and attention to the most important things first and foremost. We're preparing for our two year anniversary vacation, and I can't let the focus of our trip be counting calories and restrictions- it needs to be focusing on reconnecting with my husband first and foremost, as well as our family and taking a break from phones and internet and work. To clarify that- I will NOT be stuffing my face day in and day out. In fact, I plan on sticking with my current competition diet plan almost exclusively, but if I happen to have a dessert with dinner or not fuss over an added sauce to a meat dish or have a ginger beer with my husband, nope; not an ounce of regret or guilt. At the end of the day, anything that resembles an ED habit, thought, or obsession will be squashed and altered. My health and recovery will never be jeopardized under my watchful eye- whether for vanity, a person, or anything else. I want to get eager to jump into my workout, I want to feel that endorphin release, I want to go nuts on weights in our home gym one day, go to a Crossfit class another day and a power yoga the next, all in the same week, just because I like it. I don't want to feel suffocated by planned workouts or forced into a set plan- workouts need to be fun, or they don't happen. A bad workout is a workout that doesn't happen. --- Long story short, if you feel your fire fizzling out, pause and asses where your heart stands. What is it that you do that makes your heart beat- hobbies, career, family time? Are you still connected to those things? Do you need to establish them again in your life or is it something else that you're missing? Literally sit down and write out a plan on how to reclaim your fire. NEVER LET THAT SIZZLE OUT! It is what drives us as human beings; what keeps us pushing through the days with joy! Christ has pushed on my heart HEAVY lately that I am not fulfilling my bigger calling. While I have no clue what that means exactly yet, I know I have to get to work, because right now, I'm trying to push the wrong mountains, and they refuse to budge. I am not the type of person that can stay stagnant- it eats away at me deeper and deeper until I begin to self destruct. A little mental break from responsibility and real life will be magical FOR SURE! Celebrating my two year wedding anniversary with the most supportive, loving man in the world is the best gift in the world I could ever ask for; revisiting the pink beaches we celebrated our wedding on is going to fill every cell in my body with life!!! I'm blessed to share this special gift from my mother in law with her; I am grateful to have the connection and friendship that I do with her and know that we will share more laughs and talks on this trip. So how will I purposefully reignite my fire on this trip? First of all- LIST MAKING. I have started a few, I plan on restructuring them and redefining them while gone as well; everything from a daily tasks list to "Life after Bermuda." HA! I look forward to reading and getting back into my book idea during my down time on the boat to Bermuda. My creative juices are FLOWING and yearning for an outlet! I'm looking forward to spontaneous, unstructured workouts daily on the boat as well. Just letting my morning muscle desires lead the way and then running on the outside track with the sunrise. I'm going to be honest, I already know what restaurant we're eating at for our anniversary, and I'm really excited to eat lamb and some sort of chocolate dessert ! HA! I'm not NOT competing October 3rd as of now, but in my mind, I am leaning more towards a spring competition, for mental and physical growth. I will be spending this entire week canoodling my husband and reestablishing the strength of our partnership, our marriage, our love and future. Through his continued love and support, I know I can take on the world and win. Plus, we are the perfect counterpart for each other. He brings clarity and stability where I need it and vice versa. And when I return home, I plan on attacking the next set of priorities; it's time to cross things off the lists!

The only thing I like about summer; aka Our Garden!

Let's just face the music together, okay? I've always been a fall person first and foremost, no question about that. There's something magical about a 55-60 degree day, thin sweatshirts, wool hats, crunching leaves, Halloween !!!!!!!!!!! But the older i get, the more i love winter as well. Summer literally only intrigues me for two reasons- swimming pools and gardens. Note: I haven't gotten to go swimming this year, so obviously I am incredibly NOT into summer this year. Thankfully, we have had gorgeous roses, peonies, tiger lilies, hibiscus flowers, and other sensationally beautiful things around our yard. Our food garden is just as kind; so far we have yielded heirloom tomatoes, blueberries, peas, banana peppers, zucchini, jalapenos, habaneros, and we are anxiously awaiting pumpkins and acorn squash! Doing a few raised beds this year was a brilliant idea; we created four but only ended up using three. I definitely plan on calling dibs on the side garden next year; our broccoli never seems to take so i plan on putting leafy greens next to the spearmint. Long story short, friends, here is my take on summer: UTILIZE THE HECK OUTTA THIS HEAT AND GROW YOUR OWN FOOD!!!! Don't live in the Northeast or a warm climate like me? Stuff grows around you too, duh! See what works best to grow in your climate and DO IT! Stop paying stores all day everyday and dig into that dirt, pot that seed, do what you have to do!!!

Husband approved lunches!

One of my favorite sentimental activities that I do for my husband is make his lunch for work every morning. I started doing this when we first started dating as a way to connect with him and milk every moment together! It also helped me show him an extra ounce of attention and learn who he was and what he liked. This fall will be 4 magical years together, and I refuse to stop doing this!!! He has continually expressed his enjoyment and love of it, and it makes me feel good to take care of him. I am VERY lucky; not just because my husband is kind and great, but also because he loves to eat whole, real foods. Below are a few shots of typical foods I pack Mr. Hergy. My hubby is a union carpenter, so his hard work days allow him a 15 minute breakfast break and 30 minute lunch break. A general idea is: one or two sandwiches, cereal and milk, fruits, cheese, deer or beef jerky, a few chips or some sort of snack along those lines, water, coffee, and Gateorade or root beer. It sounds like a lot! Honestly he doesn't always finish it!! But the fact is, he does hard labor most of the time for a minimum of 8 hours and needs a lot of fuel to keep him going. My husband is naturally a tall, lean man as well, so his metabolism is quite speedy and needs the extra snacks just in case! These two ideas of lunches contain: Photos 1 and 2- roast beef sandwich with muenster cheese and jalapeno mustard; applesauce; a mix i made of raspberries, almonds, and blueberries; veganic chocolate rice crispies cereal and milk. Photo 3- the same sandwich (roast beef, muenster, jalapeno mustard); grapefruit and mandarin orange blend; raspberries and colby jack cheese that i cubed.

If you make your husband breakfast, lunch, or dinner, remember to appease his tastes, while also trying to help him eat healthy! I know that I want the longest, happiest, healthiest journey possible with my soul mate! If they have been junk eaters for awhile, slowly introduce new items to them! You don't want to completely push someone away from trying new healthier foods, whether your husband, friend, family member, or SELF! Fresh fruits and veggies always taste the best because they have pure, natural flavor! You can't go wrong with that!