The Adult Life

Yesterday I had a phone interview with a woman from Allegheny General Hospital. Oh- boy- nervousness. I had applied online for the part time position of night lab processor; a job i would seek with the degree i'm working hard to get. Now, i applied in august, so i was certain my lack of experience had hurt my chances. But lo and behold, i got an email monday to set up a phone interview! And friday morning, i knocked it out of the ball park! And i secured an in- person interview tuesday morning! My only concerns now: my tattoos will be a hinderance (don't worry, i plan on wearing long sleeves and potentially toying with foundation on my hands) and that the tattoo shop will want to find someone full time to make up for me not being able to cover 5 days, thus forcing me to get a second job somewhere. Not going to lie, blog readers, i managed to have a full 365 degree rotation of feelings on this in the matter of a day! hahaha. After i got off the phone, theemotions  flowed like this: i am going to NAIL this, the job is mine! - i'm floating on clouds - i better tell everyone - oh crap, my boss just pointed out that they've preferred only having one receptionist/ shop girl - oh crap i'm going to have to find a shitty second job - oh no, allegheny health network probably hates tattoos and piercings - i'm screwed - why even bother - maybe i should cancel my interview - fuxkfuxkfuxk - AND THEN... Today came. And i felt the anxiety slowly slip away. Because i found potential solutions to shine beyond my tattoos.  Because i realized that i could find a part time position close to home somewhere just to keep my end of the finances together until AGH could offer me a full time spot. And i breathed again.
Continually, i have to offer my patience, belief, and faith to God and the greater plan. Whatever is meant to happen will. I have set the ball in motion to get a big girl job; no matter what, something good will come out of this.

Not too much time left at work,  and then it's off to the memorial service for Arlene. I look forward to reminiscing about her. There will be a LOT of tears tonight though so i will be surely keeping my makeup SUPER minimal ha.

Spiritual struggles and surviving the leap

I don't know about you guys... But i constantly find my heart doing crazy spins and circles trying t nail down what to call my spirituality. I see the rest of the world around me and i try to be just like it; i look for the label to call my spiritual sense, to call the Divine that i feel keeping me centered and pushing me forward. As a young teenager, i made the decision to be baptized in a christian church. That resonated with my heart and soul for some time, and it was good. My great grandmother and grandmother both had a deep commitment, and more importantly JOY, in the church, and i felt it. But through my years of growing and learning, i chose not to call myself a christian anymore. I found a deep connection to the earth, to the energy and positivity i could see, feel, but also believe in without proof. Fast forward to more recently: i began attending church with my grandma again while still working my program of sobriety. Many of the teachings in the recovery program were centered around christian philosophies; overall positive life enforcements. I felt the calling to go back to church. But my head started doing laps that my heart didn't require, and the lack of synchronicity pushed me to weird places again; do i have to call myself a christian again- do i want to? Is this where my soul is meant to hear its most important calling? So many questions!!!! And you know what- all the stress and questions i place myself under keep me from hearing my Divine calling, from hearing how i am meant to be a positive light in the world! The past few days, i felt disconnection in my spirituality. I found the peace i needed today while meditating. I cannot label myself. Because quite frankly, in all aspects of my life, i've never fit into labels or molds; i've always been a little all over the place ;p i do enjoy going to church with my grandma, and i plan on continuing to do that. But i do also still pray to the Goddess as well, and i enjoy my crystals and giving back to Gaia in rituals. I know that wherever i am, no matter the religion or lack thereof, my soul is always connected to the Divine; i am always doing my Creator's work- LOVE.
I pray today that you all feel connected to whatever Presence resonates with your heart, spirit, soul, mind.... If you judge yourself cruely, if you judge yourself about what you believe, imagine what others will do to you! Be strong- God is in and with you always!

Busy Beezy!

What a busy whirlwind life has been lately!! School is getting more in depth, family events all the time... I'm exhausted!
Our weekend away at the Summit Inn Resort was ahhhh-mazing. Nothing like quality alone time in a beautiful setting with old architecture and my man. Plus we dis better at the Gladiator Rock N Run 5k than last year, which makes me a happy girl. (Especially since my workout game has been off... Wayyyy off.)
Harry LOVED his anniversary gift, YAY! Nothing could be better than his reaction <3
This week has been crammed with hunting and visiting with Dad before he heads back to Alaska. Thankfully Harry got our first doe last night!! I love this time of year; knowing we have meat for awhile makes me not even want to touch te other garbage factory meat that everyone buys/ uses. I know we have something real, fresh, right in our home, literally from our backyard. God, and my husband (!), provide!!!!!
We have a surprise family bday dinner to attend tonight. And then finally some relax time tomorrow night after work. I'm ready for some lazy couch time!!! But by lazy i mean, after work nothing but relaxing at home haha. My ass is getting back into gear; about to start my first workout in a long time... As in almost 3 weeks!!! Yikes. I also have a lot of planning and crafting to do for our Halloween party/ cookout next month. I just need some quality home time right now, not laziness!!
Hope you all have a great weekend! Xox

Quick catch-up!

Long time no blog! Life has been busy and full of changes! College is going well; i have A's in 2 out of my 3 classes (we haven't had graded assignments in the 3rd yet). I just joined the team for the newspaper at school as well. Although I have to tell you, i can't remember the damn name of the paper ever. I should work on that ;p i'm pretty sure i'll be covering my first event next thursday!! So excited. Work is the usual, good and every week flies by. I'm taking a half day today; we're leaving for the secret weekend getaway i planned for our 1 year anniversary!!! And we have the Gladiator 5k Rock-N-Run tomorrow on our actual anniversary! (Side note: i will write more about this weekend after it occurs; can't have my #1 reader- hubby- getting any clues!!!) My dad is also visiting from Alaska for 2 weeks. Hopefully our dang schedules coordinate soon so we can get together. The plan is to show him our house next wednesday; i'm excited for him to see it, and to see my hunting gear! Archery season opens tomorrow, so we're getting all our gear in order! Harry took off work on monday so we can go out together between my classes :)
Another big change has occurred recently...
Now before I get into that, let me just say this universal truth: the only constant in life is change.
Harry and i attended our friends' wedding a week ago. It will beautiful, and they are such lovely people. The ceremony was short & sweet, and the reception began within an hour of us being there. We got to talking, as we watched everyone around us. Should we have a drink? Should we not? We had both been struggling with the idea lately of if it was possible to drink like a normal, responsible pair of adults. So we talked it out for awhile. We didn't jump right into it. One of the greatest things i gained in my 1.5 year of sobriety is the desire to be honest and try my best to communicate. Harry is my partner forever; we swore to God to always care for each other, and i married him because i truly believe we'll never be apart again. So to have this openness and communication, i couldn't be more grateful. I used to bury my feelings and thoughts but i progressively learn how to share them and seek to ALWAYS be honest-- ESPECIALLY with myself. Well, we did it. We had a few small cups of beer. We left my car parked at the venue to be safe ALTHOUGH we did not get drunk. Buzzed perhaps, but that would be expected after not drinking for so long. And that was it. No excessive bat hopping after, no partying till late hours, no hot mess express, secret shots, or anything like the past. We have had a few beers since that as well. I haven't had more than 2 or 3, and I take my time with them instead of guzzling them down. I have no plans of returning to the dim, sad bars we used to frequent. I DONT WANT TO DRINK TO GET DRUNK. That obsession truly was lifted from me by God. The Bible points out very distinctly that God does not desire for His children to be drunkards. And i want to honor my Father. I still want to be a vessel of love & light. I have left my program of recovery, but the women i got close with are STILL my best friends. I value their spirituality, their constant desire to be honest, the way they loved the REAL me and not the depressed, party version of me. They helped me open myself up and dig out all the wreckage. They will always be my sisters.
The change in my mind came because of just that: change. I could see that my perception of alcohol had changed. As was with my eating disorders, there was a LBM (light bulb moment). In the beginning of my journey to live, my LBM was that i could not take any alcohol in; it was burying me, and fast. I needed to be sober to clear my heart and head of things from the past, to grow into a woman, to be fully present for my wedding. But recently i had another LBM; that like my eating disorder, my perception of this thing changed; i don't want to drink to get drunk. I don't want to run from my beautiful life, i love myself (the most signifcant difference). So this new path has begun. So far, i think i am making clear choices. And if i'm mistaken, i know who to call, i know where to go. The rooms will ALWAYS be there for me if i need them. I'm just praying every day; God, YOUR will, not mine. I'm trusting His journey. I'm living a life through Him.

Well, i have to finish packing for the weekend. You loved have a beautiful day; enjoy this perfect fall weather! Enjoy yourselves. Enjoy God. Give thanks & love <3

Trying to nab an A+ in life

Anything dealing with an English class, whether reading, writing, or creating discussion topics, I have ALWAYS excelled at. The women in my fanily are known to be proficient readers, and while I haven't been good at finishing the books I pick up lately, I do think my younger bookworm days assisted in this greatly. So today when I received my first writing assignment back graded, my heart did cartwheels. My professor made certain to write the grade on the second page, after all my typed out thoughts. 30/30; 100%. Along with a magnificent little note, which I shall not share verbatim so as not to boast. It was amazing though. Knowing that my abilities in reading and writing come naturally, I was drawn to the thought of becoming a writer for a great period of time. I often still fantasize about it and think of how perhaps it could be a profitable hobby or at the least, a hobby that joyfully occupies extra brain activity. For the most part, though, I value the idea of getting an education for and finding a sustainable career. Hence, applying to the Medical Laboratory Technician program. I think I could write on the side; just this blog for fun, an article here and there for an online submission, or (most recently discovered) working for the school newspaper. Above all, though, I must remember that I am going to have classes that DO NOT come naturally to me, which will require that extra time I am so diligently already giving away to writing. I don't want to get an A+ in one class and have the rest suffer because I'm flitting around all over the place. I'm trying to view my three courses as a whole unit right now; each one being a subdivision of that larger part. I don't want to fail, I want to succeed, and it takes more than one class to do that. At this moment, thankfully, I am doing well, if not better, in my classes. My nine year education hiatus did not stop my desire to be successful, to be the best, to make something of myself, and I think one of my biggest driving factors in school has always been: prove to myself I have what it takes. I'm reminding myself that I am human, though, so humility can keep me balanced.
What are you trying to succeed at? Is it part of a greater picture-- are you selling yourself short by only focusing on a small chunk of a bigger picture? Be the best you that you can be on a daily basis! Never stop surprising yourself!!!

Family time gone right.

First day of the week- woohooo!!! I LOVE Mondays. I'm sick, i know. ;p
I'm sitting in the cafeteria at school, reflecting on the beautiful day I shared with loved ones. Yep, coffee is in hand! (Bio lab on Monday mornings is the best class to start the week with; if we happen to finish the lab early, we are done with class. So i was out of bio by 9:30 today instead of 10:40- WIN!) Every year, there is a Carpenter picnic at Kennywood Park. It tends to fall on a Saturday so my work schedule has kept us from going, however, Harry is able to pick up 3 free tickets, as well as discounted tickets and free meal tickets. Schwing! The expiration date on our free tickets was winding down, so we went with my cousin Dawn Marie yesterday. What a freaking blast! Dawn and I have always connected; we genetically favor similar family traits, have sinilar attitudes & personalities, and are close in age. But another aspect of our closeness is that we have the same family ideals. When we were younger, our family was significantly closer; holidays, picnics, birthdays- everything was done together. But as we started to lose some of our beloved elders that instilled these traditions and values, our families started to separate. The biggest problem i see now is that each sub group (family member + spouse or significant other + children), has become so consumed by their own personal issues, most self created, that they tend to forget about the entirety of their family line. Thankfully Dawn Marie and i don't enjoy this at all and are trying our best to get people together more, or at the very least, with each other. And amidst all the family frustrations and sadness and separation, that is a big beam of light!!! Because despite certain events and times, i LOVED my childhood. Or to be specific, the time i spent with my family. Genuinely, deeply,  i love my family memories. And because we can't change the past, nothing will ever change that joy. What i CAN change, what i NEED to change, is my part in keeping my family together. Can i miraculously keep everyone tightly knit at all times and single handedly bind broken ties? Nah. Not a chance. But i can make a positive effort, no matter how big or small, when the chance arises. The Ninnesses, the Hoerrs, the Morgans, and the Hergenreders may never beat as one heart, but i can do my best to show them the love that is possible in a family; to inspire them to love more.
The more we continue on our journey of trying to conceive, the more i focus on family. I want to get some magic happening before baby hergy steps into this world!
What is one positive thing you can do for a family member today, or your family as a whole, to show them the love that is possible in our lives?

Embracing everything today!!!

While working on the 6th step with my sponsee yesterday, i realized that i, myself, had been taking the wheel of my life far too often. ESPECIALLY recently. What i was reminded of was this: I am doing a disservice to God when I act like I'm in charge. I say "help!" But i still find it hard to say to God, "thanks Father, it's a good day; show me the way... Show me YOUR way!" When I found the strength and willingness to search and discover my human character defects, I made a commitment to God to let Him take them from me. Not all at once, not in the magical flash of a second, but in time. I agreed to be open with Him and allow Him to free me. When I try to take the reigns, whether on the best day of my life or the very worst, I am not letting my Creator in!! The only perfect thing in this world is God. The only way for me to even come close to living a perfect life is to live in a Godly way; "Thy will be done, not mine."
I am preparing my soul for the reinitiating of Christ. My time away from the church was bumpy, dark, and miserable. Coming back has been gradual, but so life giving. I am constantly growing closer to my faith because my spirituality is already so strong; it's the foundation. Today I had to choose to put God's will before my own... I had to defeat fear that has been lingering in me. You see, for so long I was afraid to admit I was Christian again.. Afraid that I would be judged by people. The reality is that I was judging myself. Perhaps for straying from the church, perhaps for years of speaking poorly of people who stood strong in their faith, more than likely all of the above. I have been consumed with the guilt of turning my back on Jesus. I have been trying to fit some sort of spiritual, faithful mold and when the stark clarity cane that I don't have to do that came, it hit me hard. The truth is I have been feeling great in church and the fear of saying, yes, Christianity feels right to me, was pushing me away from it. I'm giving that defect to God today. Here ya go, Father, take this guilt and shame. TAKE IT! But this time I mean it. I wore my cross to work today. SERIOUSLY PEOPLE, i thought about doing it all week and had anxiety about it. So silly. I can't say I'm in if I'm not, not anymore. My life has to be about positive action, or I will fall right back into my old ways. So, simple as that, I said yes to God today and wore a necklace. But the feeling of relief I have... You would've thought I just won a superstar marathon. The little things :)
Grateful to have the chance this evening to spend some time with my grandma in grateful praise. And I love that our church does fun things like a jazz service. How cool to find different ways to be thankful! And I love jazz!! Win, win.... Thanks, God, Your way is continually better than my own!